I’m trying. I mean, I’m really trying to get to 100 percent completion in Super Mario 3D World, the latest adventure by the plumber and his close plans on a Nintendo console (this one being the Wii U). But here’s the thing: I don’t think it’s humanly possible. I truly don’t.
Like previous entries in the Super Mario franchise, the difficulty gets ramped up rather quickly once you fart around in the game for long enough. You basically have two choices with these games in the collect-’em-all era of post-Super Mario 64 games in the series:
- You run through the game while collecting items like stars, flag pole tops, and the like, but you’re more concerned about getting to the end. You want to take down Bowser and his kids, and that’s pretty much it. Yeah, the collectibles are cool and all, but who has time for that? Let’s just whoop Bowser’s ass and call it a day.
- You obsess over collecting every single goddamn item possible including the aforementioned stars, flag pole tops, and stamps so that you can inch closer and closer to the almighty 100 percent. Look, you’ve done it in previous games, right? Why not do it here? Why not grate your teeth to the point they disappear while maneuvering through every level?
Before playing Super Mario 3D World, I felt like option #1 was it for me. Yes, I love collecting stuff in games—um, Banjo-Kazooie anyone?—but I thought I had gotten to the age (29) where that part of my video game life was over. Dunzo. But no. It wasn’t a divorce but merely a break in the love affair between my brain and the obsessive compulsive-like aspect of platformers that ask you to collect everything imaginable before making your life a living hell.
OK, I’m being hyperbolic, but hear me out. I coasted through most of Super Mario 3D World up until what I thought was the final world. Being the clever bastards that they are, Nintendo made sure to include several sorta-kinda “hidden” levels for all the completists out there, though you probably didn’t know one of them existed unless you scoured the web (like I did). You see, I had no idea that you had to get the top of every flag pole on top of collecting all the stamps and stars. That second part I can understand, because of course you need to collect everything. It’s just how these games roll. However, every flag pole top?! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
Nope, no jokes here, Nintendo pretty much wants you to run through the entire game again to make sure you reached the top of every flag pole, which I proceeded to do with gusto. I actually found it to be quite fun re-playing the game (in a way), because it allowed me to use the characters not named Mario in my journey. I grew especially fond of Toad, which may surprise you given our history. However, the lil’ bastard is pretty quick on his feet, making the re-play portion of my 3D World experience fly by (well, relatively speaking). I tried using Rosalina (she’s unlockable) because of her abilities—she can attack with a spin move and kind of do a double-jump—but she’s way too slow and became more of a headache as time went on.
Anyway, back to trying to finish this beast.
When you get all the stars, stamps, and flag pole tops, you enter what appears to be the smallest world yet—and it is. However, it’s also impossibly difficult. It’s the World Crown world, where three stages await your frustration and anger. Believe me, you’ll be sure to feel plenty of those emotions, perhaps even more, upon playing these stages for yourself. The thing is, it lulls you into a false sense of security, because the final “Captain Toad” stage isn’t really that difficult. It took me a few tries to master, but it’s definitely doable in like 30 minutes or so of trying.
Where you’ll get the urge to break your controller in half is in playing the other two levels, “Champion’s Road” and “Mystery Star Marathon.” The latter seems simple enough at first, as it’s another one of those collect-a-certain-amount-of-stars-in-a-row stages inside a house owned by one of those tiny fairies. But just when you think you know what you’re doing, they throw you an ice level at you. And then you have to climb disappearing walls in the cat suit. And then… UGH. I have gotten so close to what feels like the final round of stars in this stage that I want to cry. Maybe I will.
No, I’m saving those tears for “Champion’s Road,” which is essentially the “Rainbow Road” of this game. For those who don’t know the hell that is “Rainbow Road”—watch this video to learn more—then you have clearly never played a game in the Mario Kart franchise. I’d say your lucky to not know the living hell that is “Rainbow Road,” but I’d be lying, because the Mario Kart games are so close to my heart.
To get all the way through “Champion’s Road,” I think that you must have the reflexes of a god. I cannot imagine getting to even the halfway point here, even though it feels like I’m about to do so. However, once I hit that point, I’m stuck with trying to get past yet another insanely difficult bit. Just when I feel like I have my timing down perfectly, I miss my jump by an eighth of a second and fall into the star-filled abyss. I die. And then I die again. And again. And… you get my point.
What I’m saying is that I’m not sure I will ever beat “Champion’s Road.” Why? Because I’ve tried so many damn times that, at some point, I should have gotten it right. But no, I keep on failing. But you know what? That’s OK. I thought Super Mario 3D World was too easy for its own good before I got to World Crown, and there was Nintendo, ready to make me feel like a horse’s ass. Thanks, guys, I needed that. I think.
You can buy Super Mario 3D World on Amazon. Despite its late-game difficulty, I still think it’s a must-play.